What do you think of when you hear or read the word “classic”? According to Dictionary.com, classic can be defined as: of the first or highest quality, class, or rank: a classic piece of work, serving as a standard, model, or guide (adjectives), an author or a literary work of the first rank, esp. one of demonstrably enduring quality, something noteworthy of its kind and worth remembering (nouns).
Given these definitions, one would think that any channel called American Movie Classics would have movies that might be considered as such by some consensus. While many of the movies they show qualify, look at some of the other jewels on their schedule for March:
Navy Seals Contains violence, macho posturing, bad dialogue, and Charlie Sheen
Death Wish, Death Wish 2, Death Wish 3, Death Wish 4: The Crackdown, Death Wish 5: The Face of Death In which everyone that Charles Bronson cares about either gets raped, raped again, killed, raped then killed, etc. forcing Charlie to respond in the classic fashion of the actor of extremely limited talent: kill lots of gang members. I mean a lot of them.
Volcano You remember this one, don’t you? It’s about a previously undetected volcano bursting up through the ground in L.A. Tommy Lee Jones slumming at his worst.
Red Dawn During the Cold War, Russia invades the U.S. The commies have planned for every last contingency, but they didn’t plan on Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey, and a bunch of Teen Actors That Nobody Remembers (or TATNR for short) running into the hills and fighting back without any military training or outside support. Despite my fond memories of this movie, I can’t really call it a “classic” with a straight face. But to anyone else who saw it, I have one thing to say: “Wolverines!” On a side note, does anybody really think that Lea Thompson can act?
Iron Eagle Another Cold War classic, in which Louis Gossett, Jr. and yet another TATNR single-handedly wipe out the air force of some generic Middle-Eastern country to rescue said TATNR’s dad, because them cowardly bureaucrats won’t do nothin! To it’s credit, this movie did give us the Queen song “One Vision,” which is a pretty good tune, I guess.
The In-Laws not the original with Alan Arkin and Peter Falk, but the remake with Michael Douglas and Albert Brooks.
And Now The Screaming Starts! I’ll just bet it did.
Earth vs. The Spider or This Movie vs. The Audience
Some classics, huh? It’s hard to believe that we pay for this stuff.